Dissapointment

Optimists live longer but pessimists live happier.


I'm an eternal optimists and I hate it, becuase I hope and hope and hope and always hope and all for nothing becuase my hope always dies, not with a whimper but with a bang. It doesnt slowly fade out, it doesnt die out, it fucking explodes, it blows up right up in my face, all the time, and whats worse, I know it's going to explode and I never run. Why? Becuase I'm hopeful, Im stupid. I don't accept truth when I see it, I dont understand what the silent stares mean, what the helpful hands mean, and why they wont ever look at me and why they stare at me like crazy. Or maybe I do, but I dont accept it, the little girl in me, the little girl that's still me, tells me "But you can do it" and I believe her everytime, I see your poems and I read their stories about trying and trying and never giving up hope and that's what I follow becuase its nice to think that I can try and try and do anything under the stars.




I saw a dream where I was on stage, I was by myself and I was speaking, but it didnt matter what I was saying becuase the lights were on me and the rest of the world was in darkness, and I was talking, I was dreaming, I was crying, and I couldn't stop because I was so in love with the world.
That dream died today.

1979

I was listening to 1979 today and all of a sudden I remembered you. It was the weirdest thing in the world because, you know, I've all but forgotten about you, I hardly ever think of you anymore, and then suddenly boom, all of a sudden you were there, you and all that we talked about, all that we felt, all that we did, all those times all rushing through my head within the first stanza of that song. It's funny how certain things remind you of others. Like how I so strongly got reminded of you by that song just because you once had it in your favorite videos list. Or maybe this has nothing to do with you liking this song, maybe it was just the power of the song, maybe I just listened to it and it was so deep that it brought back memories that I had forgotten existed. And then I thought that I would be mean and post this on a place where you could read it, but then I thought no, I've been too heartless already, you dont deserve it. Ive thought about writing about you before, about us, but I never knew what to write, and I still dont know, because right now Im not really writing about you or me or anybody, but Im just making excuses for myself, I'm trying to get you to understand that I feel bad for what I did, not the"Im so sorry" kind of bad but the real kind of bad where you feel eaten up every time you think of what you did. And so I don't think of it. I dont let anyone see that I have guilt inside, not even myself. It's amazing how a simple song can make you come out with things so deeply embedded inside you, things you never thought you'd let out.

I just dont want you to hate me.

My Dream World.

I live in a world of dreams, where stories start and never end and beauty isnt just a face in the mirror, where sometimes is everytime and hopes dont have to die, ever, ever, ever, and the sky falls when you want it to, because sometimes you just need to hide, hide, hide beneath it all, hide from those eyes and those laughs, where laughs dont bring tears, and expectations dont drown in tears of reality, will you please live in my dream world, please?

Art

I think what really makes us different, distinguishes us from each other, is our art. Art in the sense of anything that you create, anything that comes out of you, and is truly yours, and you can truthfullly say that there is nothing in the world like it. I believe that that is what makes us unique. Our art. And the beauty of it is that your art is something only you can understand. The driving force behind that piece of art is so deeply embedded within your being that no one else can extract it. No matter how hard you try to explain it to someone else, they'll always have a slightly different interpretation, a twist on what you consider to be your reality. And that is the reason why no one can really truly ever understand you, becuase they can never truly understand your art the way you would like them to.

I think every single person who has ever TRIED to do something, anything, that is of their own is an artist. You dont have to be good at what you do, your art is just something that you couldn't live without.

For me, its acting. I dont think I could ever survive without that adrenaline rush that comes when you're on stage, when you feel totally naked, because you're about to give your all, everything you have, your whole essence of being, to an audience. I feel like I'm exploring all the facets of myself when I act. I dont do it to get into someone else's skin, I do it so that I can fully get into MY skin, so I can truly understand what makes me.

The most beautiful thing about art for me is its uniqueness. A million songs have been sung thus far, and no two of those sound exactly the same. Billions of essays have been written, and they're all something completely different. The ability for us, as humans, to come up with such variations, such beautiful streams that start from the same source but end up taking their own paths, that all seem to be similar but are completely different, connects us to something greater, something more profound. We turn from the creatED to the creatORS, spurning out as diverse and beautiful strings as our creator has done for us.