Dissapointment

Optimists live longer but pessimists live happier.


I'm an eternal optimists and I hate it, becuase I hope and hope and hope and always hope and all for nothing becuase my hope always dies, not with a whimper but with a bang. It doesnt slowly fade out, it doesnt die out, it fucking explodes, it blows up right up in my face, all the time, and whats worse, I know it's going to explode and I never run. Why? Becuase I'm hopeful, Im stupid. I don't accept truth when I see it, I dont understand what the silent stares mean, what the helpful hands mean, and why they wont ever look at me and why they stare at me like crazy. Or maybe I do, but I dont accept it, the little girl in me, the little girl that's still me, tells me "But you can do it" and I believe her everytime, I see your poems and I read their stories about trying and trying and never giving up hope and that's what I follow becuase its nice to think that I can try and try and do anything under the stars.




I saw a dream where I was on stage, I was by myself and I was speaking, but it didnt matter what I was saying becuase the lights were on me and the rest of the world was in darkness, and I was talking, I was dreaming, I was crying, and I couldn't stop because I was so in love with the world.
That dream died today.

1979

I was listening to 1979 today and all of a sudden I remembered you. It was the weirdest thing in the world because, you know, I've all but forgotten about you, I hardly ever think of you anymore, and then suddenly boom, all of a sudden you were there, you and all that we talked about, all that we felt, all that we did, all those times all rushing through my head within the first stanza of that song. It's funny how certain things remind you of others. Like how I so strongly got reminded of you by that song just because you once had it in your favorite videos list. Or maybe this has nothing to do with you liking this song, maybe it was just the power of the song, maybe I just listened to it and it was so deep that it brought back memories that I had forgotten existed. And then I thought that I would be mean and post this on a place where you could read it, but then I thought no, I've been too heartless already, you dont deserve it. Ive thought about writing about you before, about us, but I never knew what to write, and I still dont know, because right now Im not really writing about you or me or anybody, but Im just making excuses for myself, I'm trying to get you to understand that I feel bad for what I did, not the"Im so sorry" kind of bad but the real kind of bad where you feel eaten up every time you think of what you did. And so I don't think of it. I dont let anyone see that I have guilt inside, not even myself. It's amazing how a simple song can make you come out with things so deeply embedded inside you, things you never thought you'd let out.

I just dont want you to hate me.